I never expected my teenage daughter to change the way I saw myself, but that’s exactly what happened. While I had already begun to suspect that I might have ADHD, it wasn’t until she pointed out how both of us seemed different from our peers that the word “autism” even entered my mind. At first, I brushed it off, thinking my discomfort with eye contact was just a quirk. However, after going through the diagnostic process and learning more, I began to realize how many signs I had missed—not just as an adult, but all the way back to childhood. In hindsight, the signs were always there; I just didn’t know how to recognize them.
Reflecting on my childhood, I can clearly see signs of autism. Here are four main autistic traits that were overlooked during my childhood:
- IBS: I have always struggled with irritable bowel syndrome (IBS). My earliest memories of IBS date back to when I was five years old. My IBS attacks began after a traumatic experience during a tornado. After that day, any time I felt stress or anxiety, I would suffer from severe IBS symptoms.
- Lack of Imaginative Play: As a child, I absolutely hated pretend play and didn’t understand its rules or how to engage in it with my friends. Whenever I had friends over, they always wanted to play house, Barbie, or with dolls, but I felt confused about how to pretend. I tried my best to participate but usually just ended up doing and saying exactly what my friends asked me to do. As a child, I preferred active play; I enjoyed swinging, jumping on the trampoline, dancing, singing, playing in the mud, painting, building things, and doing crafts.
- Object Attachment: I had a particular baby blanket that I carried around for years, which I called “Bay.” I was obsessed with this blanket and felt I couldn’t do anything or go anywhere without it.
- Exceptional Craft Skills: One day, when I was very young, I decided to glue several of my wooden blocks together to create a doll. I then cut fabric into clothing shapes and used random objects to fashion “jewelry.” My mom was so impressed with my creation that she entered it into a local fair. To this day, I can create just about anything with felt squares and a glue gun.
By the time I reached my teenage years, I had learned how to mask my traits. Although I was never very effective at masking, I managed to be generally accepted by my peers, even though I always struggled to make and keep friends. There were two autistic traits that I definitely exhibited as a teen:
- Listening to a Song on Repeat: I had a large stereo system in my room during my teenage years, complete with big rectangular speakers and woofers. I often played a song on repeat while lying on the floor next to the speaker. There were certain songs I would listen to this way, primarily because I had a strong emotional connection to a specific part of the song, usually a guitar or drum solo.
- Choosing to Stay Home: My mom would frequently tell me during my junior and senior years to go out on the weekend, but I preferred to stay at home and watch TV with my parents. I was too anxious to hang out with groups of teenagers. I found their behavior to be reckless.
As an adult, I’ve recognized many signs of autism that I had previously overlooked. My social awkwardness stands out more now, especially when I’m around other moms, than it ever did in my younger years. Here are the four main signs of autism that I missed before my diagnosis:
- Anxiety: This is definitely my most prominent autistic symptom. I experience severe anxiety, particularly social anxiety. Unfamiliar situations or unpredictability make me anxious. New foods, locations, or activities can trigger this anxiety as well. I feel anxious when I sense that I might be excluded or misunderstood. Additionally, fluorescent lights or loud noises heighten my anxiety. By far, my biggest struggle is managing this anxiety.
- Need for Comfort: I hadn’t fully acknowledged my sensory issues related to clothing until I underwent my autism assessment. When discussing these issues, I realized that as an adult, I have the freedom to choose what I wear. I always ensure that my clothes are comfortable; this means cutting tags out of my shirts, opting for pants or shorts instead of skirts, and absolutely needing to wear comfortable shoes.
- Difficulty Making Friends: As I write this, I currently have no friends—only acquaintances. I don’t have anyone to call when I feel down or anyone to call if I want to celebrate good news. I lack someone to share funny or relatable memes with. Part of the reason for this loneliness stems from recently leaving a toxic friendship. Being autistic can make one particularly susceptible to narcissists, not just in romantic relationships but also among peers and friends. My autism makes me a bit gullible and easily manipulated, leading to a series of toxic friendships in my past. None of my former toxic friends were aware of my autism (I wasn’t even aware of it myself), so while it was unintentional, it allowed them to drain my emotional resources without reciprocation. Additionally, I struggle to read social cues, making it difficult to discern if someone is a friend or merely an acquaintance. I often misinterpret social signals, assuming an acquaintance is a friend, and then I tend to overshare. This situation is extremely frustrating and lonely for me.
- Dissociation: You might think it would be hard to overlook dissociation, but having spent 48 years with my brain, unaware of what it’s like to have a neurotypical experience, makes it tricky. People rarely discuss their thought processes, so I didn’t know that what I experienced was not typical. Through my research on autism, I discovered that I do dissociate, and it isn’t due to a trauma response and it isn’t simply “spacing out.” Sometimes, I become so absorbed in a thought that I can vividly visualize the location and people involved—every detail, every object. At that moment, I stop seeing through my eyes and focus entirely on what’s in my mind. Until recently, I had no idea that not everyone experiences this.
Since my late autism diagnosis, I have learned a great deal about myself and continue to discover more every day as I allow myself to unmask. Although I currently feel lonely, I am encouraged by the knowledge that I now have to develop healthy friendships instead of toxic ones. I have also begun to show myself much more grace. Rather than pushing through my anxieties or forcing myself to be uncomfortable, I now provide myself with the accommodations I need to feel better.
When I received my autism diagnosis, I cried tears of relief. It was a moment of profound understanding, revealing why I face challenges in social situations, why I am often misunderstood, and why anxiety often grips me. With this vital insight into myself, I feel empowered to embrace my journey and excited to move forward in my life.
Eyes On My Own Lane 