Late-Diagnosed and Learning: The Power of Naming Your Neurodivergence

I used to feel so inadequate. I would look at the way other people functioned and wonder why I was falling short. I would think I just needed to try harder, be more organized, less sensitive, more focused. It wasn’t until adulthood—after years of masking and self-doubt—that I finally discovered that I am autistic and have ADHD.

My diagnosis didn’t come until I was almost 50. Many people would say that I shouldn’t need a diagnosis this late in life. Now that I have received my diagnosis, I could not disagree with this sentiment more. My diagnosis has been life-changing.

I want to share why getting a late diagnosis matters—why it’s more than just a label. For many of us, it’s the missing puzzle piece that helps everything else finally make sense.

Why Autism and ADHD are Often Missed, Especially in Women

Autism and ADHD are often missed in girls due to several factors. Firstly, there is a noticeable gender bias in the diagnostic criteria. For many years, it was believed that only boys could exhibit symptoms of autism and ADHD. As a result, when a girl displayed traits of these conditions, she was more likely to be diagnosed with depression or generalized anxiety disorder instead of being recognized as being on the spectrum.

Secondly, neurodivergent girls typically present traits different from those of boys. Boys are often socialized to be more expressive and assertive, while girls are encouraged to be polite and to “get along.” This difference in socialization leads many neurodivergent girls to mask their symptoms more effectively. Additionally, boys are generally more vocal about their thoughts and needs, whereas girls tend to internalize their feelings and develop coping strategies in response.

These dynamics suggest that girls may not display their stimming behaviors as overtly as boys do. Additionally, girls tend to be more talkative than boys, which can overshadow their neurodivergent traits. There is a common misconception that autistic individuals lack social skills. While many girls on the spectrum may seem friendly and sociable, they often struggle to recognize social cues internally.

These factors are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to why so many of us that are on the spectrum went undiagnosed for years.

The Emotional Impact of a Late Diagnosis

I was diagnosed with autism and ADHD at the age of 48. I graduated from high school with honors, 4^th in my class. I worked my way through college, becoming the first member of my family to graduate with a Bachelor’s degree. I got married my senior year of college. A few years later, I went back to college and earned my teacher’s certificate. I successfully taught high school English for two years before becoming a stay-at-home mom. I stayed at home with our three children until they were teenagers, then went back to teaching part-time for a year.

After accomplishing all of this, you might wonder why I even requested an autism assessment or what value such an assessment could even offer.

In the years leading up to my diagnosis, I found that I was saying to myself on repeat that “life should not be this hard.” Making friends and keeping them was hard. Keeping up with the house and the kids’ schedules was hard. Being a wife was hard. Living was hard. I would look at my peers and they didn’t seem to struggle with the day to day grind, yet I felt like I was drowning.

After I took my autism and ADHD assessment test, I waited for 6 weeks for the results. Each day I could feel my heart pounding. I was so afraid that it would show that I am not neurodivergent. That was probably my biggest fear, because if I weren’t neurodivergent, then what is wrong with me?

When I received my test results and saw I was ADHD, I did breathe a sigh of relief and thought “well, that makes sense.” But, it was when I continued reading results and got to the part that labeled me autistic that I sobbed with relief. My challenges had a name. I have never been so happy to receive a label. It was the validation I have needed my whole life.

Now my entire life makes sense. Almost every argument I had ever had with my husband was due to him misunderstanding me by reading an implication that wasn’t there. Only after my diagnosis have I become aware that my facial expressions are wrong, meaning they do not line up with what I am thinking or feeling. I struggle to keep up with household chores due to my poor executive function skills. I have terrible social anxiety that makes public gatherings a struggle. I never fit in with my peers. I struggle to make small talk. I’ve always found it hard to make and keep friends. And on and on.

Suddenly I realize I am not a bad person. I am neurodivergent trying to navigate life in a world that is designed for neurotypicals.

Why the Diagnosis Matters

My autism diagnosis has been life-changing. Sometimes, when I am out running errands and notice that I am standing in an unusual posture or holding my hands in a strange position, I briefly hear a thought chastising me: “Why are you so weird?” Then, I respond to myself, “Oh yeah, I’m autistic.” There is so much freedom in that statement. After 48 years of masking my true self, I now give myself the grace I always needed.

The main way my diagnosis has helped me is in coping better with my anxiety. When I feel a panic attack creeping in, I stop and assess my environment. Suddenly, I become aware of the sounds bothering me, the discomfort from my clothes, and how the fluorescent lights are stressing me out, among other things. In the past, I would get so anxious that I couldn’t think straight. Now, I am more self-aware; I can see that I am actually quite overstimulated when I feel a panic attack approaching.

The Ways I Now Accommodate Myself

Before my autism and ADHD diagnosis, I didn’t feel validated to take care of my needs. Now that I aware that I am AuDHD, here are the ways I accommodate myself:

• I tell myself that I did a good job if I accomplish some of the things on my to do list, without making myself feel guilty for not tackling the whole list.
• I wear my Loop ear plugs—yes, they’re fabulous—when I am anywhere that I feel overstimulated by sounds (especially restaurants).
• I eat only the foods that I want and no longer pressure myself to eat “like a grown up.”
• I wear clothes I find comfortable.
• If possible, I avoid crowds and social situations that make me uncomfortable.
• When I find it difficult to communicate or handle a social situation then sometimes I simply say, “I’m sorry, I’m autistic.”
• When I am feeling anxious, I attempt to identify the stimuli that is bothering me.
• I am continuing to learn coping strategies and techniques to help me live a fuller life.

Final Thoughts

A diagnosis won’t solve all your problems, but it provides the words to better understand your true self. It doesn’t change who you are; rather, it offers valuable insights that can help you accommodate your needs. This information is powerful. If you’re considering whether a diagnosis is worth pursuing, remember that clarity is a gift, no matter when it arrives.